crossing_lostrp | [Ami] Day 11: Tending Open Wounds (tag Mara,open)

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[Ami] Day 11: Tending Open Wounds (tag Mara,open)

OOC: Bumping from [Lucy] Day 11: Making Her Escape due to maximum comment/replies reached.

Edited 16 May 06 to add: Maximum Posting Limit of 75 has been suspended for this thread.

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Ami ducked into Mara's shelter as Tommy and Jon made their way to the cookfire area. As they departed, her stomach grumbled a bit, reminding her that she hadn't eaten yet this morning. Tommy and Jon were too far away without shouting for them, and shouting might disturb Mara and she wasn't willing to leave the young woman alone. She figured she'd suffer through for a while longer; it wasn't like she would die of starvation in a few hours time.

Kneeling by Mara's bed, she hesitantly reached out and placed her hand lightly on the woman's forehead. Dropping her shields just a bit, she focused solely on Mara, wincing again at the rents and tears in the woman's shields. Beneath that, she was disturbed, and mentally and psychically exhausted. Ami wasn't connected to Mara the way she was to Megabyte, Mara not being a Tomorrow Person, but she thought she would try to reinforce the woman's shielding a bit anyway. The worse that would happen was nothing and the best was that Mara might sleep a bit easier, even if Ami couldn't take away the horrors she'd already experienced.

It took a few minutes of concentration, and Ami felt a wee bit more tired herself when it was done, but she'd managed to connect with Mara on the very surface and reinforce her shielding – filling in some of the gaps. It wouldn't hold for long, a day at the most, but hopefully it would give the other woman some comfort.

Done with what she could do, Ami leaned against Mara's bed and waited for Tommy and Jon to return.

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/That's it. I'm tired of this. I need his love and kindness, and he's playing Authority Figure./ Clarice glared at Daniel. "This is how you comfort broken-up people you supposedly care about?" she snapped, her eyes dangerously bright. "Sure, I'll talk to you--/when you're ready to act like my lover and not a bossy CO/. I n-need someone to be there for me and act like he actually cares, not stand over me barking orders!"

She sawed through the first stalk and lowered it clumsily to the ground, then started stripping it. "I can't go down to the beach anyway, that bastard Scott's there. So you're getting your wish regardless."

Daniel was taken aback by her vehemence. He kept his voice calm, he wasn't going to yell at her or shout at her or any of that. "Clarice, why do you think that I don't want you to push yourself? Why do you think that I came over here? Because I *don't* care about you?

"You were upset with Daisy and what she said. You are pushing yourself and pushing yourself, and you don't have to . . . I want you to rest, I want you to relax so that you can recueperate, so that the next curve ball this god forsaken place throws at us isn't the one that you can't dodge."

"I hate to see you like this, but I don't know what *you* want me to do."

Clarice's mouth worked...and then she looked down. Her voice when she spoke was quiet but impassioned, and very hurt.

"For starters? F-find some way to express your caring of me that doesn't involve ordering me around. Other women get held, and comforted, and have worried guys looking after them and trying to take care of them when they're falling apart. Not marching orders delivered between meetings with all the people who get more of your time than I do.

"You haven't even fucking /touched/ me yet except to yank things out of my hand." She started trembling. "You haven't tried telling me things are going to be okay, or asking me how I am, or...anything. Just--do this, don't do that.

"It's so hard being the boss's woman. It's so hard that you can almost never be there even when I'm fighting off another goddamn breakdown. I am doing everything I can to be understanding and flexible and lean on my friends and try to endure, but it is a huge sacrifice, and it's like you don't even notice that I'm making it.

"And now, when I just want to go hide in your arms, the best you can manage is to come over and pull this arms-length, we'll-talk-later crap on me." She sniffed and shook her head. "I was already planning to go hide in the tent once the poles are done. Better that than collapse in front of people again and make even more problems for everyone.

"But what I really need isn't rest--it's /you/, damn it. And I know you've got a million obligations and I just have to look for support elsewhere. But it is very hard, and very /lonely/, and I need you to recognize and acknowledge that. And recognize and acknowledge that in spite of being in pieces right now and being in this hard situation, /I am still here with you/, still trying to roll with the damn punches and even support /you/ some. That was the reason why I was out there sluggin' Ativan and coming up with the raft idea for you when you felt stuck. Because I love you, damn it.

"The least you could do while I'm being so goddamned flexible and loyal is just to try and be a little bit /kinder/ towards me in the time you do have to spare, all right?"

She dropped the knife and buried her face in her hands, starting to sob.

For a few heartbeats, Clarice's outburst left Daniel flabbergasted. He truly hadn't realized how broken she was, or what she needed.

"Clarice," he reached for her, attempting to pull her into his arms. She struggled a bit, but he was stronger and eventually managed to wrap his arms around her. "Clarice, I'm sorry, but I honestly had no idea.

"You keep pushing yourself, goading yourself into leading and helping that I thought that's what you wanted from me. I thought that you wouldn't want to be held or hugged, especially not in public where it might be seen as weakness. From what you've shown me, it's so important to you to be strong that I didn't want to offend you.

"I see that I was wrong, and I'm sorry for that. I truly am.

"And I wish that I could be around more for you, I do. I didn't ask for this job, I don't really want it, but no one else seems to be willing to step up to bat. If what you want is my time, then you've got it - I can let Blaise handle things for a few days. Whatever you want or need."

He wouldn't tell her that it would be all right, however, because he didn't know that and Daniel wasn't going to lie to her.

Clarice struggled because she didn't know what else to do; she was angry and confused and sad and most of all embarrassed that once again her emotions were taking her for a goddamn ride. When she gave in finally, she sobbed against his chest and clung to him. His words didn't even sink in for a few minutes.

"Ah'm not strong right now. And ah gave up...trying to pretend to be stronger than ah am...after I broke in front of everyone. I can't...not here. The best I can do r-right now is keep myself together an' keep f-functional. Ah can't keep up appearances. And every time I've tried to do that here, it b-backfires on me anyway. There's no point, not after what happened. I'm just a woman right now, tryin' to sort all this stuff out. My skills are still useful, but I'm not leadin' anybody anywhere anytime soon. I just want to go back to feelin' sure of myself and helpful again. Especially to you. That's all I want right now."

She started sobbing a little again at his offer, feeling strangely ashamed. "Ah shouldn't even be askin'. I sure as hell didn't expect to fall apart on you. I knew gettin' into this that you were gonna be busy a lot, and I was dealin' with it. But this...this is different.

"Ah know you have to deal with this mess around Lucy now. And I'm sorry, I really really am. But if you could spend some more time with me today and...once the move's over...I think it would go a long way. I wouldn't even ask, but yesterday was just...I...dammit, Daniel, I keep thinkin' I'm getting somewhere with adjusting to this place, and then somethin' else hits."

"It's not...the things I told you, is it?"

Clarice smiled very weakly. "If things hadn't been goin' to hell elsewhere I woulda been like a happy six year old over all of it. Ah don't blame you for that news any more than I blame you for bein' so busy all the damned time.

"But right now the idea of the world bein' so much bigger than I thought is havin' the side effect of makin' me feel even smaller and weaker than I was already feelin'. I know that's partly because I'm in a funk and it's colorin' every damn thing. I don't...know what to say about it, except I'm adjusting to all of this as fast as ah can, but it's messin' with me."

Clarice struggled because she didn't know what else to do; she was angry and confused and sad and most of all embarrassed that once again her emotions were taking her for a goddamn ride. When she gave in finally, she sobbed against his chest and clung to him. His words didn't even sink in for a few minutes. When she spoke, her tone was soft and hesitant and she couldn't look at him at first.

"Ah'm not strong right now. And ah gave up...trying to pretend to be stronger than ah am...after I broke in front of everyone. I can't...not here. The best I can do r-right now is keep myself together an' keep f-functional. Ah can't keep up appearances. And every time I've tried to do that here, it b-backfires on me anyway. There's no point, not after what happened. I'm just a woman right now, tryin' to sort all this stuff out. My skills are still useful, but I'm not leadin' anybody anywhere anytime soon. I just want to go back to feelin' sure of myself and helpful again. Especially to you. That's all I want right now."

She started sobbing a little again at his offer, feeling strangely ashamed. "Ah shouldn't even be askin'. I sure as hell didn't expect to fall apart on you. I knew gettin' into this that you were gonna be busy a lot, and I was dealin' with it. But this...this is different. This has never happened to me before. It scares me more than all this supernatural stuff combined.

"Ah know you have to deal with this mess around Lucy now. And I'm sorry, I really really am. But if you could spend some more time with me today and...once the move's over...I think it would go a long way. I wouldn't even ask, but yesterday was just...I...dammit, Daniel, I keep thinkin' I'm getting somewhere with adjusting to this place, and then somethin' else hits."

"It's not...the things I told you, is it?"

Clarice smiled very weakly. "If things hadn't been goin' to hell elsewhere I woulda been like a happy six year old over all of it. Ah don't blame you for that news any more than I blame you for bein' so busy all the damned time.

"But right now the idea of the world bein' so much bigger than I thought is havin' the side effect of makin' me feel even smaller and weaker than I was already feelin'. I know that's partly because I'm in a funk and it's colorin' every damn thing. I don't...know what to say about it, except I'm adjusting to all of this as fast as ah can, but it's messin' with me."

"You need a break. We both do."

Daniel kissed her forehead and hugged her close, resting his chin on the top of her head. "Once we've dealt with this situation, we'll take one. Or we'll take as close to one as we can get.

"How about this? We'll go to the caves and work on getting them ready for habitation? We won't be completely alone: Michael and Sully will go with us, but it will get us away from all of this."

"Okay," Clarice said, feeling rather small and brainless at the moment. "Okay. Okay." And buried her face in his neck.

She could do this. Really. It would probably take more time and care with herself than she wanted, but in spite of what her brain chemistry seemed to be doing to her, she was just weepy and broken. Not out of the game entirely. Especially not with Daniel sticking by her.

"Ah can get the poles out. But I don't think I should go on the raft, especially alone."

"No, you shouldn't."

"It's gonna be a horrible job. Ah just hate leavin' it for people who aren't used ta it." She sniffed. If she was together, she'd be investigating the death and trying to help people deal. But cursing herself for not being together only made her feel more hurt and out of control.

**/Just finish the poles and leave the rest. There are more'n enough volunteers and if any of 'em have a brain or a heart between 'em they won't let you out on the water in this state anyway./**

Clarice blushed.

Daniel's proposal about the caves made sense, largely because she just didn't want to look at the ocean for a while. She found herself paranoid of herself, a little, and of temptation--which probably meant she was perfectly safe. The drama that the suicide of a complete stranger had caused was rapidly putting her off of even considering that line of thinking. How much worse, after all, would it be if she kicked herself off, when she had friends, and when she was in love with the boss?

No. No way.

**/Well, at least you're thinkin' half straight again./**

/Considering I'm conversing with my dead father, that's a matter of opinion./

"That...sounds like a good idea," she said quietly. Being a second gun along on the expedition would help her feel useful again as well.

Daniel held Clarice quietly for as long as it took for her to pull herself together. When she finally did, he brushed hair away from her forehead and planted a soft kiss there.

"Dr. Pierson and Ripley both volunteered to retrieve Lucy's body, and I think that they are both familiar and comfortable with handling bodies and with death. I think that Carlos and George may have volunteered as well. I know that Carlos was a soldier and has seen some 'action' and ... well, George..." Daniel trailed off and shook his head. He wasn't going to burden Clarice with George's proclamation of *what* she was (or what she believes she is) and risk upsetting her world view again so soon. "George is acclimated.

"We'll do the poles, and then we'll leave the retrieval to those who have volunteered." Daniel held her a bit longer, giving her all the time that she needed.

The beach would wait.

Clarice felt greedy and selfish, keeping Daniel there right now. But damn it, she was falling apart, and to Hell with Molly's expectations that she not cling to her own lover for support. /What, you people get his best efforts and I have to settle for "sex and companionship?" Fuck ALL of you. I'm only human and I need this./ And ultimately, she wasn't asking for much. Just a cuddle and a promise of some time before they pushed on. That wasn't too much--was it?

"George is a personal friend," Clarice said quietly. "Ah know she's capable. I just always feel guilty when I come up with big plans and other people end up havin' to follow through with it."

"Usually the plans you make require more work than you can handle on your own."

"Ah know." She looked a little contrite.

She set back to work slowly, working with the knife with extra care, as her hands were still a bit shaky. Ten-foot lengths would help them maneuver along the reef and dislodge the body. It was a very simple thing, and very necessary as well. And she could manage it. That was something to make this crazy situation somewhat better.

"There was no note?" she asked quietly as they worked. Her voice was a wrung-out rasp, but her face was much more composed now.

"Just a distribution list for her belongings."

A bit more life came into her voice. "Wait, she left a note, but it contained no explanation whatsoever? That's...not somethin' ah can follow up on at the moment, but...it's...for what it's worth in this madhouse, unusual."

Daniel gave a soft chuckle, and kissed her lightly, happy to hear some sense of ... acceptance? normalacy? ... in her voice. "Yes, it did seem so. I guess we're going to have dig a little deeper." (Or ask George to ask her when she 'collects' Lucy's soul.)

He rubbed Clarice's back and hugged her close. Then finally, released her and picked up his own knife to begin helping cut the bamboo for poles. "Once we've gotten poles for the raft, we can probably gather more for frame work for the walls and dividers in the cave. That and we're going to get very good at weaving walls really fast."

"Ah'm...not much use for such things save as an idea font right now. I don't even think I should be interviewin' people, though I'll gladly help you put any pieces of evidence together."

His suggestion had merit; they didn't know where the bamboo stands were yet over by the caves, and the poles were super-light and no trouble to pack out. "Sure, of course," she said softly.

"Truth is, ah can use all the weavin' experience I can get. My first attempt at a basket quiver ended up lookin' like someone's stockin' cap. It's floppy. That's just...wrong, somehow." She chuckled weakly. "I was goin' for something for carrying munitions, not a wicker condom."

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