Crossing Lost: Getting Here is the Easy Part

River looked at Jack and the smile slowly faded from her face. Her dark brown eyes bore into his for a few long moments. She saw a few things but there was a quietness behind his thoughts. A deep quiet. She kept her eyes on him a little while longer, trying to break it out when, suddenly, a loud scream pierced her ears and she saw him under some form of torture. It was just a split second but the image bore into her mind-- his twisted face with the scream of pain. She let out a yell and fell back, covering her ears with trembling hands.

"I'm sorry!!" she yelled at Jack. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"

She slumped into a chair and put her forehead on the table, covering her head with her arms.

"Not there. Gone. Went away."

She picked her head up and wiped the tears with her shaking hands. She never wanted to act out but it always happened without warning. Sometimes she wished she could stop herself from seeing things.

"Next time there's a wall, I won't break through," she said standing up and turning to Jack. Wringing her hands and slowly bringing her eyes back to Jack, she gave a slight, hopeful smile.

"I'm sorry."

Her mind focused on his quiet thoughts-- that empty space where he doesn't know things. The wall his mind put up. Or a wall put up by other people. River wanted to know but not at the cost of hurting her brain more.

She looked over to Oona and noted the definite change in thoughts. Her mind was prepared for telepathy and River found slight comfort in that. She smiled at Oona and brought the hand wringing slower and with less intensity.

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Jack looked shocked by River's sudden outburst. But he didn’t even really see it.

Oona did not seem shocked. She made sure her surface thoughts were not lies, but buried her own worry under her sympathy and wish to shield the child.

"A mind’s walls should never be breached without permission, sweetling. There are often reasons for it being there. Sometimes the person doesn't even know why it's there." Oona had a momentary flash of delving into something ephemeral and misty, another's terrors, and pulling them away, into some sort of crystal. But as she tried to connect that flash with anything it was lost.

Jack was still trying to grappling with a memory that had surfaced before River had screamed and acted as if she were attacked. He had been screaming for them to stop. His best friend was being tortured while he was made to watch, his eyes forced open, his head immobile, but he was unharmed. He had the information someone wanted and they knew Ayndi would break, and that he wouldn’t. He watched, his screams blending with Ayndi’s. Yet he told them nothing. He uttered not one word that would save his friend or spare him having his fingers pulled out one by one then cauterized with an open flame. His teeth shattered by slow compression, one by one, for hours. Ayndi’s eyes pleading with him as he screamed his name.

Jack could still hear his own screams blending as Ayndi screamed what sounded like “Jacks, tell them. Jacks, oh God, please. Jacks, you son of a bitch, help me. Please, you got me into this.” The pleading interspersed with screams of agony, an animalistic cry anguish and torment.

He couldn’t remember who he was. He couldn’t remember who the bastards wielding the instruments were, or what the information was. He knew it could end the world, even the universe if they knew. Why they were there or his past with this best friend. He had been no more than twenty, and Ayndi nineteen. He knew that.

He also remembered wielding the instruments, causing the pain. He knew not only how to cause pleasure, but the most pain. The sharp smell of blood and burnt flesh. Calmly asking the questions.

Why that horror of those memories were the ones to surface he didn’t know. But the sudden clarity of them, the immersion in of being there, back in them hit him like a blow. Bile swelled, then he found himself doubling over, his knees hitting the floor as he vomited.

Oona now looked alarmed. She clasped River’s shoulder. “He experienced it. Whatever you uncovered.”

Jack held out his hand as he realized what had just happened. “It’s all right. She didn’t mean it.”

(OOC: Jack died once, killed by the Dalek. Rose, as the Time Goddess, brought him back. But he can’t die now. Only for a minute or two, like a Highlander immortal, only no buzz or Game. But he appears like a dead void to psychics, because of this. The torture scene and Jack’s stint as a torturer were mentioned in Torchwood briefly. I elaborated.)

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River brushed past Oona's grasp and walked up to Jack, lightly placing her hand on his shoulder. "Mind wants to be free but will is scared. Fear of not strong enough." She looked gently into his eyes, not reading again but getting a sense of something for him to look forward to. In another second, she smiled again. Her comforting, sweet smile. "Not ready yet. Truth will come. Not now."

She smiled again and squeezed his shoulder.

"Someday will come but it's not today."

She lowered her hand to his and gave it a few tender, dainty pats.

"Fly away."

She straightened up and tilted her head to one side.

"Fly..."

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Perhaps it was the way she had been brought up, but Aeryn couldn't connect with the surreal scenes that had just transpired.

She watched, her face almost impassive, as the events unfolded, but had nothing she could offer to the others, to try and still the tortured noises.

Then Jack, a kindred spirit, showed the signs of guilt that she herself knew too well. She couldn't comprehend why, nor what had happened, and then Jack threw up.

Oona had moved to comfort River, while Aeryn moved to put herself between Jack and the ladies, trying to protect him.

The scent of vomit was strong as she tried to block River from advancing on Jack, but the young woman was so single minded, Aeryn couldn't stop her from touching him.

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Jack offered a weak grin to both Aeryn and River.

"'Sokay. Like I said, she didn't mean it. I know that." He moved to grasp River's hand for a moment.

He didn't particularly WANT that memory, but it was a memory. He didn't like what it seemed to make him, at least in part. But whatever he was, whoever he was, he was dedicated and protected the universe at great cost.

He felt it slipping away and he mentally grabbed it. Refusing to let it go. It was his. He unconsciously called on psychic resistance training he still didn't remember having.

"Now I've made a mess and embarassed myself. Sorry about that." He put on a sufficiantly contrite face. "I'll clean it up." He squeezed River's hand again "I know you've got some power there, kiddo. And I know you did that out of innocence and without malice. Just try not to do it to anyone else, okay?"

He clapped Aeryn on the shoulder after leaving go River's hand. It was a gesture of acknowledgement and appriciation for her silent move to protect him.

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"Now I've made a mess and embarassed myself. Sorry about that." He put on a sufficiantly contrite face. "I'll clean it up." He squeezed River's hand again "I know you've got some power there, kiddo. And I know you did that out of innocence and without malice. Just try not to do it to anyone else, okay?"

Aeryn wanted to talk to Jack, wanted to try and understand what had happened, but she was an outsider. No matter the sense of kinship she felt towards him, and no matter the empathy she felt, as she saw the weight of guilt in his eyes, he probably didn't want to talk about it.

She knew that guilt, somehow. She understood the look of horror and loathing that Jack had tried to hide. But she also knew that if she showed him pity or even compassion, he'd hate her for it. If he wanted to talk, he would.

He clapped Aeryn on the shoulder after leaving go River's hand. It was a gesture of acknowledgement and appriciation for her silent move to protect him.

The look she gave him said it all, but she added it quietly. "You're welcome."

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River noted the strain between Jack and Aeryn and saw a flash of her consoling him and him pushing her away. She shut her eyes and opened them again, seeing that the two were actually a few feet apart. She tried to capture that gimpse again, trying to teach herself the difference between what's really there and what could be there, but it was away from her now.

River then remembered the word, "fly" echoing faintly in her ears.

"Captain...?" she whispered, her voice wavering a little.

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The look she gave him said it all, but she added it quietly. "You're welcome."

Jack offered Aeryn a slight smile. She was being carefully neutral, but he could see the curiosity in her eyes, where she had a hard time concealing it. Good. Curiosity was healthy.

He turned to fetch a bucket and mop from the small broom closet someone had found at the end of the cupboards.

"Captain...?" she whispered, her voice wavering a little.

"Yeah?" Jack turned back to lok at River curiously. She had that lost somplace else look in her eyes again. Maybe she wasn't even talking to him.

He was reassessing the wisdom of letting her at the guns, even though she was better than anyone he could imagine.

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River's eyes focused back to the present and she blinked a few times, finally resting her eyes on Jack.

"Captain... Jack...?" she spoke skeptically.

She tilted her head sideways again and went to the broom closet, grabbing a stray roll of paper towels, mumbling to herself quietly.

"Captain... flies. Flies... away."

She perked up and snapped her attention to Jack.

"You know a man who flies but is not a captain nor does he have a spaceship."

Her eyes watched him intently.

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"Actually it IS a spaceship, it also travels in time." Rose entered the caf and took in the scene while smiling because she remembered that moment.

'Did I mention it also travels in time?' Worst pickup line she ever heard. But it worked. Her memories were returning in bits and spurts. The Doctor said it was the Tardis psychically pushing through the barrier because the two of them had a solid mental link to her.

"It just doesn't look like what you'd expect." Rose looked over the assorted guns. "I was gonna start on dinner seein' how everyone else took a shot. I didn't expect a firearms buffet. Then she noticed the acidic smell of vomit.

"What happened here?" She looked worried.

"Must have been something I ate." Jack looked to the others. He didn't want to explain, not to Rose, whom he felt oddly protective of. Nor did he want River chastised.

Rose wrinkled her nose. "What'd you eat that no-one else did?"

She took the bucket off Jack and filled it up with soapy water.

"Some berries outside that looked good. Stupid, I know." Jack shrugged. We 're gonna have a contest tomorrow to see who can break down and assemble these the fastest. I think River will win hands down. Blows my tender ego, let me tell you. But I'd still like to see what Aeryn and maybe John can do. Aeryn needs to get familiar with the guns though."

Rose shook her head. "River?" She looked at the teen. "River shouldn't be touching guns, Jack. I'd think you'd know better."

"I think she's handled plenty of guns. She is amazing. She also knows makes and models from the future and a couple galaxies away. And I suspect Aeryn will be pretty damn good as well.” Jack wielded the mop and held out his hand for the paper towels River had gotten. No one was going to clean up his sick but him. It was humiliating enough.

(OOC: queen_of_crazy e-mail me at purplerhino@yahoo.com There's something I want to share that River might detect. :) )

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Moving to the edge of the room, Aeryn chewed on her bottom lip as she tried to make sense of what had just occured. Jack and River certainly seemed to have reached an understanding, but with only half the 'conversation' having been heard, Aeryn had no idea just what else had transpired.

However, seeing Rose was a pleasant surprise. Aeryn nodded to the blonde in greeting, but watched as Jack and she interacted. They certainly seemed to have a history, for sure. And from the body language that each presented, it wasn't wholly platonic. But then, noone could claim that, with Captin Jack Harkness, thought Aeryn.

Instead, as they cleaned up the mess, she moved in silence to the table and picked up a handgun. Sliding catches she'd seen River use, Aeryn had it stripped down in less than two minutes. As with River, each piece was laid out in a neat line, nearly as perfect as River's own. Now caught up in the moment, she started the reassmbly job, her mind automatically seeing the shapes and positions of the parts she'd just disassembled. Considering this was the first time she'd ever dismantled an Earther's gun, she made surprisingly few mistakes, reassembling it in little under three minutes. With practise, she could make it look like childs' play.

Although, while she knew John was capable, and instinctively she knew that he could handle weapons... something vague told her that he wasn't military. That he was actually more scientist than fighter.

That was a new thought for her.

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"Doctor Chris was talking about a possible trip out to this ship of yours... ours I guess. Said it'd take about five days at least." Jack finished the clean up as Rose pulled out a zip lock of frozen fish.

There seemed to be a mixture of different fillets. Most likely someone was restocking locally. She pulled out three more bags and tossed them into the microwave on defrost.

"It’s just The Doctor. He did did he?" She looked over to Jack.

//And never said a word to me about making a Tardis Trip.//

//Just thought about it when seeing the old girl was mentioned.// His voice in her head was just like his speaking voice. Odd that.

"Kinda long trip with all that's going on around here." Jack washed his hands and dug into the 'pantry'.

"Bring out those of pistachios and flour. And mix up about five cups of those powdered eggs.” Rose ordered him.

“M’am, yes M’am.” Jack seemed to have some color back.

Rose looked across the room to see Aeryn working on the guns. “Never much took to them. But you seem comfortable, and a quick study. I think Guns were a last resort of the Doctor’s as well. Seemed to like talking the bad guys into submission, or irritating them into doin’ somethin’ stupid.”

Rose motioned to River. “You ever help in the kitchen sweetie? That’s a silly question, you wouldn’t remember if you did. Take that bag of shelled nuts off Jack, put a couple handfuls in a baggie like this,” Rose held up a large zip-lock, “and crush them with the rolling pin. Just roll over them until they’re a little smaller than peas, then empty the bag into that bowl, and get more. I’ll need those whole bag done.”

“Now Dinner should be in an hour. If I can think of a way to tell this whole community to come and get it.” Rose was filling a cake pan with flour.

Jack stopped mixing the eggs up and turned to look at Rose. “How would you know if you took to guns, or what the Doctor did? You have a diary too?”

Rose froze for a moment. She seemed to consider for a moment. “I’ve been getting flashes of memory. Sometimes big chunks, but that makes my head hurt. The Tardis seems to be waking them up on doses we can take, the Doctor and I. It won’t help anyone else. Just the two of us, because we have some sort of mental connection. But it does mean our memories are still there. We just can’t connect with them. We have to look into how to get everyone re-connected. Still think hypnosis might work.”

Rose was a bit embarrassed, and felt a little guilty that she was remembering things when others weren’t.

Some of those memories were fuzzy, not so clear. Usually the older ones. Just like it seemed they would be.

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Rose looked across the room to see Aeryn working on the guns. “Never much took to them. But you seem comfortable, and a quick study. I think Guns were a last resort of the Doctor’s as well. Seemed to like talking the bad guys into submission, or irritating them into doin’ somethin’ stupid.”

"I'm no cook, to be honest, so it's obvious to me that I must have been quite single mindedly concentrated on weapons" she offered a smile to take the sting out of her words.

Rose froze for a moment. She seemed to consider for a moment. “I’ve been getting flashes of memory. Sometimes big chunks, but that makes my head hurt. The Tardis seems to be waking them up on doses we can take, the Doctor and I. It won’t help anyone else. Just the two of us, because we have some sort of mental connection. But it does mean our memories are still there. We just can’t connect with them. We have to look into how to get everyone re-connected. Still think hypnosis might work.”

"I have been having flashes, too. The problem comes with trying to 'grasp' them, it's more like trying to remember a hazy dream. There are some things which come to me and I can remember remembering something about them; but the details are not clear to me when I try to remember them again." She sighed, pushing away from the table. "If there is anything I can do to help with the cooking, please say?"

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"Memory flashes. Random fragments a deteriorated mind tries to resurrect from the deepest recesses. The images appear before our eyes and we try to make sense of what happened in the past. When maybe we should focus on... the future."

River stopped and eyed everyone around her. Her eyes finally landed on Rose. After a moment, she smiled slighty.

"The future is very important."

River leaned over the fish and sniffed. She made an unamused face and then went to look over the guns again. She spoke to Aeryn without meeting her eyes.

"When you removed the G-64 spring rod, you twisted your wist and put it down wrong." Her eyes flickered to Aeryn. "Don't do it again. Slows your time."

River turned and walked to the cupboard, pulling out four plates.

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The young girl was making Aeryn feel distinctly uncomfortable, and she had the feeling that she wasn't the only one from the strange looks on the others' faces.

"When you removed the G-64 spring rod, you twisted your wist and put it down wrong." Her eyes flickered to Aeryn. "Don't do it again. Slows your time."

"Show me?" she asked quietly, but River had already walked away. It would help her, come tomorrow, if she could pull this thing apart with as much ease as she did a Pulse Pistol, but somehow she had the feeling River had them ALL beaten Eyes-Down... (Whatever that meant; it was a phrase she vaguely remembered John using).

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River placed the plates down and walked with Aeryn, removing a few pieces swiftly. When she came to the rod, River brought herself down to give a slower, fluid demonstration.

"Pull back, pop the end towards the barrel, bring out the rear and don't roll it at all. There's a notch here..." River pointed to a small dent in the metal "... and it will pop in place eventually but if you place it on the table without letting it roll, you can place it exactly where it needs to."

She popped it back in with a smile and handed the weapon back to Aeryn. She turned to leave but stopped herself.

"And when it's time to actually use this weapon in action, make sure you cock the weapon twice. Usually it only takes once but I noticed the gun is a little worn down and two cocks will eliminate any excess air in the cabin."

She went to move but stopped herself again.

"Fully take the weapon apart and place each piece like a diagram. Look and see where each piece goes. Everything has it's part. When you see the insides, you know how it works."

River diverted her eyes to the ground when she walked away. She didn't mean to upstand Aeryn but River always had that effect on people.

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